Naked Gospel???

"How could the Gospel be naked?" you may ask. Well, I asked just that. Through http://www.blogtourspot.com/ I have had the pleasure of receiving books from time to time that I may review in exchange for my receipt of them. I recently received a copy of "The Naked Gospel: The Truth You May Never Hear in Church" by Andrew Farley. For more information on this book go to http://www.thenakedgospel.com/ . I was a little skeptical. A lot books in this arena I feel are preachy and verge on being overly critical of Christianity without providing any alternatives. Well, let me tell you...I was pleasantly surprised. I L-O-V-E love this book. I have already recommended it to two of my friends and my husband. Its straight forward approach is refreshing. I love Andrew Farley's mix of his own personal experiences (without being overbearing) and his use of well-researched scripture quotes. What I found most rewarding as a reader is that the scripture quotes he used were not the same overworked Bible quotes. He also gives you background and contextual insights that help with the application. He by no means says he has THE answers, but he definitely provides a new way to look at things. I found myself saying "Me too!" as I read. I have had my moments of disenchantment, frustration and depression with Christianity, and I have always felt it was my fault, and I was just falling short. I am not trying to get off the hook here, but it was nice to see that I was not alone in trying to work my way out of what sometimes feels like a pit. We Christians are often guilty of picking and choosing what we hold ourselves accountable for, and this isn't always to our benefit. Like Andrew Farley I have "already accepted the work of Christ as the means to heaven. But it [is] my approach to daily living that [is] beating me up." (pg. 81) I am grateful that Mr. Farley has opened my eyes to some new ways to look at my daily living. If you are interested, you can get this book at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0310293065 .

4-1/2 Stars....

So, I have been introduced to a very awesome site for anyone who loves books....www.booksneeze.com. From this site, you can choose books that the publisher will send you free of charge if you will publish a review online. Well, what a dream come true! Not only do I get a book, but I also get to share my opinions.

The first book I have received is The Flowering Cross by Beth Ryan. I really enjoyed this book. It is a nice story about a little girl and her family who befriend their grumpy neighbor. It is full of scripture quotes that a parent can use with their children to instruct them on some key bible lessons. It is a wonderful conversation starter in this way. In addition and by far what I consider the book's greatest attribute, it includes an activity that can be done with your child or a group of children during Easter. I love that it includes an activity and that it give instructions including a blueprint. This is not found in many books.

Here is the other side. I must include a disclaimer. I LOVE books. I own 100's, maybe even 1,000's. I have everything from children's books to resource manuals. I like happy books and sad books, fiction to non-fiction, romance to sci-fi. That being said I am a pretty tough judge. So, I am going to be picky. The story was good, but I had a little trouble at the beginning. I had a little trouble getting into it because I wanted more backstory first. Yes, I know it is a children's book, but I wanted to get to know the neighbor and THEN get into how the family befriended him.

All that being said, I give the book 4-1/2 stars. Now, this is another bone I have to pick with the reviewing community. Why do they only give us 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 stars? I very rarely fit into those categories. I want more half stars. I just couldn't give this book 5 stars because it isn't on the level of the classic children's books. However, it is really good. It is way above just a 4.

Beauty to me...

A friend turned me on to a website that lets you tour through new books and experience new writers and artists and their blogs. When these books are presented to the group, they are often accompanied by a challenge. The most recent challenge is connected to a new release entitled Found Art by Leeana Tankersley. This challenge is directly related to photography and capturing unexpected beauty, but I found myself focusing more on the beauty and less on the photography. As I sat on my bed with my laptop surrounded by papers and files and books thinking about what I think is beautiful, I found myself drawn to a stack of my books because my love of reading is what led me to the The Blog Tour Spot website and the contest to begin with.

I love books. In this modern society we live in, so many people never touch paper much less a book. Now, don't get me wrong - I love trees, and I know we need to be conscientious, but there is nothing like holding a book, smelling it, touching the paper, flipping through the pages. As my photo shows, I have a lot of them. They may look in a disarray, but each one of them is special and a treasure to me. I know each one as if it was my child. Through my many moves to college, home, back to college, to a new job and beyond, my family has helped me move, and they can attest that a box of books weighs more than almost anything else, but I still would not part with even just one. With each move the number of boxes grew, yet there is still room for more. Their beauty goes beyond their physical existence; they house memories, bring stories to life, motivate, inspire, challenge and comfort. I will soon organize this pile and place them lovingly on the shelves they each deserve, but so very soon the pile with reappear with my new acquaintances and friends. They may just look like books, but the beauty each one houses is as unique as a sunrise, a flower, a shooting star or just about anything one person can dream up and commit to paper.

Trust issues...

Trust. I know there is a God. I love God. I believe not only in God but in all the things God has done. And having said all this, I do not trust God. Or rather, I find it hard to trust in God. This may sound harsh, but the reality is that I know God is trustworthy, but I also know I am not worthy of his trust. Grace, you say? So true, but… How often have I heard “Lay it at the foot of the cross” or “Give it to God.” These saying have always irked me a little. They just seem trite. Recently, though, I have found them on the tip of my tongue. I have two small children. They go to a local Christian school. It is a wonderful little school, and I am grateful to be a part of it. However, there are things that I would like to improve, so I got involved. I am not sure why (fear of change, feelings of criticism and attack, just disagreement of the ideas), but most of the ideas I have presented have ended in battles. A few of these battles have turned ugly. I knew having children would be hard. They must be fed and medicated and trained and protected, but I failed to realize that education would also be a battle. I have been a teacher, and maybe this is why I not only know its importance but can see the incredible possibilities out there for this school. I not only want it for my children but for all the others children whose families have chosen to sacrifice to send them there. I have battled before, but as I look back, it has always been in an area where I had some control. If I didn’t like being single, I could change my clothes, put on make-up, go to different singles locations. If I didn’t like my job, I could quit or get an education to move to a different position. If I didn’t like where I lived, I could move. And all these things I did, and during all these things, I was told to trust God more. I know I should have trusted God more because he worked all these things out for the best, and I can see his handprints all over these times in my life. But this battle is different. I have no control. I have very little influence. I could quit and leave, but would it be out of spite or pride? Right now I think so. As I sit here typing these words, I do so because I want to put some permanence to what I am feeling at this second. I need, no I must give this to God. He is the only solution here. He will provide me with an answer and a solution. He always has. But even more than that, he is the only one who can move a mountain if that is what is called for. He has hardened hearts, and he can soften them. He can inspire and breakdown walls. I close my eyes, and I picture my ideas and hopes for the school. I take a deep breath, a few steps forward, and I lay these things at the foot of the cross because that is where they belong.

My thin place

My friend Melisa just wrote a short essay for a contest inspired by a book entitled Thin Places. Melisa's words triggered in me a reflection that has been lingering more towards the front of my mind recently.

Thin places. We all have them. I really believe that most people have had a traumatic event to deal with in their lives – death of a parent, abuse, birth defect, or something. And I would wager that most of these people could pinpoint a time when there was a before and an after. These events change one’s life. I have one of those events, and it still sticks with me. I often wonder what my after would be like if what happened hadn’t happened. It has been over 20 years, yet I still have trouble talking about it in anything but vague terms. I recently started making a list of the fabulous memories in my life and the people that have made a difference. Everything on the list has been positive. That is not to say there were not also been negative aspects to them, but the positive outweighs the negative. The list is very long, and I realized just how incredibly lucky I have been. But the person and memory that may have been the biggest is not on the list, and I refuse to put it on the list. Am I giving it too much power? Did it really change me the way I think it did, or would I have ended up in the same place anyway? I have often wondered if in some way it was a blessing. Maybe something worse would have happened if that hadn’t. Maybe I am more sympathetic for having gone through my own thin place. I wish I could say it has made me stronger, but I don’t think that. My life was by no means perfect before. I was dissatisfied with things and had unhappy moments, but I believed and trusted and I stood for something. All that changed, and I don’t think I have gotten it back. One positive is that I know I have an emptiness inside me that isn’t right, and this hollowness has often led me to look to God for answers. I am one of those horrible people who doesn’t pray as often or think of God as often when things are good and happy. When I am struggling and suffering, I do seek him. Maybe not as fast as I should, but he has always been the ultimate answer. My friend ended her essay referencing Isaiah 41:10, and I am grateful she did. God can and does speak to us through people. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” I am not afraid, but I am weak. Please uphold me, Lord.

I feel G^!(TY...isn't that a S&@^E

Why do four letter words get such a bad wrap? I have always struggled with why a 4 letter word is so much worse than any other word. I know it is due to the connotation attached to most of them, but when did that begin and who decided this? I get sh*t because it actually has a meaning. And back-in-the-day, f**k was an acronym that had a real meaning. But when did these meanings become derogatory when blurted out of context. If I drop a glass and break it, shake my head and mumble “f**k,” I am definitely not referring to any sort of carnal knowledge. Now d**n makes sense to me. It has a biblical sense, but how often does anyone actually really mean that? Again, I don’t want the broken glass to spend eternity with Satan. H, E, double hockey sticks is another good one. These expletives are just that – a statement of release. Why is it so much better to spout “poppycock?” What if I decide this is the most offensive term I have ever heard and begin a movement to get it forbidden and ostracized. Shouldn’t it be the intent behind the word? I am working on this with my kids. We have been working on the word stupid. I don’t like that word, and I have really tried to install in my children that we do not call people stupid. Apparently, though, I use this word quite often. The person in front of me in line is being stupid, someone who is spreading gossip is being stupid, the idea of having to go to work at 5:30 a.m. is stupid, etc. Well, my daughter counts these, especially when I am on the phone, and proceeds to tell me the exact number of times I have used the word. 9 out of 10 times, though, the usage is more descriptive than derogatory. Be careful what you teach your children!

This rant was not my point, though. I started thinking about 4 letter words because for me the worst words in the English language actually have 5 letters – GUILT and SHAME. I have many times in my life heard that all Catholics suffer from excessive and consuming guilt. I do find that pretty true, but I am not totally sure where it comes from. I understand the history of it, but the modern day appearance of the phenomenon perplexes me. I went to Catholic schools, and I do not remember having the idea of guilt pounded into my skull. I know my parents often spoke of sin and accountability, but there was also always the role of reconciliation. As an adult, I have taken classes and then taught classes based on Catholic philosophy and theology, and I can clearly see a forgiving and loving God even if he is demanding with his expectations and plans for us. I guess the Catholic Church does lend itself to a greater checklist mentality because it is so complex with its traditions and organizational hierarchy, but what makes one feel the guilt and shame when these checklist items are neglected or ignored? I really feel it is more due to a personality trait in me, but how does that explain the stereotype that is too often accurate?

Right now I am struggling with some guilt. This is nothing new, but I am trying to think of it in a different way because I know it is not only unhealthy, it is getting in the way of my relationship with God. I haven’t been attending Church because of the shame of some decisions I have made lately – some as simple as losing my temper with my kids and some as serious as telling falsehoods to cover up my failings. This shame leads to guilt – or does the guilt lead to shame? I’ll leave that to another day. The point is I know there is something wrong inside. I have been praying about it and the answer I got was to get back into God’s word. Well, imagine that…the answer was there – RELATIONSHIP. So, the thing I am missing and feeling additionally guilt about (Church) is the same thing as the answer to my problem. Church is an integral part of that relationship building process. I know this. I agree with this. So, how does one get out of the cycle? That is why I am officially declaring GUILT and SHAME to be words I am going to forbid in my house. Wish me luck!

A word from the Almighty...

Well, I have been praying more lately and begging God to help me get back into his word. I don't know why it is so easy for me to procrastinate this because I know how much I enjoy it and benefit from it. So, mainly my prayers are about what God wants me to be doing and then for help with being the person I want to be. He doesn't always answer, and he definitely doesn't always answer clearly, but this time I think he did. Here is what I got:

First I picked up my Beth Moore Praying God's Word Day by Day. Jan. 27 says, "Sometimes God may prioritize performing a miracle on our hearts and minds over a miracle concerning our circumstances." She goes on to say he "can take (us) to heights far exceeding the depths (we) have known." I knew at this minute that I had been focusing on the wrong thing, but it wasn’t too late. Don’t get me wrong. I often fixate on my internal turmoils, but I look for external solutions. Could God have spoken louder?

Then I opened up good old Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest and went to Jan. 27th. Well, Jan. 26th is on the same page, so I read it first. The passage for Jan 26th is entitled "Look Again and Consecrate." I’m listening. The quote is "If God so clothe the grass of the field...shall he not much more clothe you?" Matt 6:30 Oswald says, "A simple statement of Jesus is always a puzzle to us if we are not simple...By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, obeying Him as He brings the word of God, and life will become amazingly simple." I realized I am not simple. I have received the spirit, and I do recognize his authority, but relying and obeying are not my strong points. He stresses "if you keep your relationship right with Him.” My relationship is not right with him. What was I going to do about this? “We have allowed the cares of the world to come in, and have forgotten the ‘much more’ of our Heavenly Father." Now, hold on for this one...it is a biggie. "Many of us refuse to grow where we are put, consequently we take root nowhere. Jesus says that if we obey the life God has given us, He will look after all the other things...If we are not experiencing the "much more," it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us, we are taken up with confusing considerations." So, I know...how in the world do we know when we are where He put us and what exactly is meant about the life God has given us? So, we move to the next day...

Open January 27th..."Look Again and Think"…OC (and I don’t mean Orange County) says in the very first line, "A warning which needs to be reiterated is that the cares of this world, the deceitfulness of riches, and the lust of other things entering in, will choke all that God puts in...If it does not come on the line of clothes and food, it will come on the line of money or lack of money; of friends or lack of friends; or on the line of difficult circumstances...'Be careful about one thing only,' says our Lord, 'your relationship to Me.' Whenever there is competition, be sure that you put your relationship to God first." Somewhere (I think Philllipians) Jesus says "Be anxious for nothing." All I do is be anxious. The point is oneness with Him and not a "self-willed determination to be godly."

Do you even need more after all that? This was in two nights. And who says God speaks in a small little voice?

So the cherry on the top again came from our good friend Beth. I had started Living Beyond Yourself last year some time, but only got 5 weeks in. Well, I have been wanting to pick it or something like it back up. This seemed like the perfect time. Again, right out of the gate, we are swinging for the fences. Day 1, first paragraph, "The enemy will do everything he can to discourage you from allowing God into the deepest places of your heart." This day speaks a lot about going through hardships because it is based on Paul's journeys particularly in Galatia. Day 2, quote of the day, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Gal. 1:10) She goes on to talk about why God went to all the trouble to save us - because it was his will to rescue us for his pleasure out of love so we could be brought into relationship with him. It pleased God to save us. She follows this with, "One of the clearest proofs of God's power is the evidence of a transformed life." I don't feel very transformed or like I am much of a visible proof of God's power. She makes the point that "God did not save Paul from poverty but from prosperity." That makes the whole prosperity gospel look pretty foolish, huh?

Pretty powerful few days, and I am just getting started. It has been tool long since I felt exhilarated like this. How would I prevent this from being like other times when I would move on to just get distracted again and not take ownership of the gems I had discovered?

I have made a "to-do" list:
1. learn to trust God and what this means
2. learn to rely and obey God and what this entails
3. focus on RELATIONSHIP - the right one (and this doesn't have to be as hard as it sounds - I don't think God is as picky as we think in this arena and he is very patient – after all, he has all the time in the world)
4. stop seeking the approval of others PERIOD

I have already started working on my relationship with God through daily reading and reflection. I have set my first goal to discover a fear of the Lord. Proverbs and Psalms both say this is the beginning of wisdom. Keep me in your prayers. I am learning how powerful they can be.

Wait, Kate, wait!

I am so over Kate Gosselin. I really wanted to be on her side. When I started watching the show, it had been on for over a year. As often happens, I came across this show during one of the many repeat seasons that seem to be getting more frequent and longer the older I get. I have several channels I go to when this happens – BRAVO, TLC, HGTV, E! and most recently the Style Network. I was truly charmed by this real family. They had struggles. They fought. They never made it look easy, yet they seemed to have a lot of love for each other and their children. The thing I liked about it the most was that I always felt challenged after watching to do more for my children. Now, that is irony! As anyone with eyes now knows, love apparently wasn’t enough. I don’t think it is my right to judge who went wrong in this tragic story, but I can say I felt more for Kate. That was until now. The straw that broke this camel’s back was the $7,000, 20 hour hair extensions. Did no one tell her hair does actually grow on its own? Just because you have enough money to do something doesn’t mean you should do it. I am hoping it is just because she wants to make Jon regret leaving her, so it was an impulse buy. I’m going to stick with this.

One of the tragic victims from the show was the note card bible quotes placed in their house in the first few seasons. What happened to them? Did they fall down, or was a conscious decision to pull them down made? If so, do you think a conversation corresponded or one spouse just didn’t even notice their disappearance? I don’t know which would be more tragic.

I have had these bible note cards on my extensive to-do list for awhile now. It actually started when my friend Melisa started a list of her own and made note cards she placed in her shower. I thought this was genius, but I am not known for frequent showering, so I wasn’t sure placing them in my shower would be very effective. Melisa’s goal was memorization. I just wanted a constant, daily reminder of things God has told me that really struck a cord. When I saw how Jon & Kate had theirs all over, I liked it. Plus, it would be a great presence for my kids. Here come the hurdles. I wanted them to be cute, so I had this great idea of decorating them. Of course, then I had to pick my quotes. I got Melisa’s list and started modifying it. I have real issues with starting things I don’t finish, and I didn’t want this to be one of those things. Solution – don’t start! That sounds callous, but it is the simplest way of stating what happened. I have read a lot of self-help books and read articles and researched on-line and watching TV programs. I know that you have to start with baby steps. I know that making realistic, accomplishable goals is the key. But I have stopped starting for fear of not finishing. When I start thinking about one of the many projects I would love to work on, I get overwhelmed by the number of projects on that list. I have a hard time picking one over another. They are all dear to me. A lot of people say watching too much TV is not good for you. However, I think for me it often provides the best advice. A very wise tennis show advertiser once said, “Just do it!” Were they talking to me?

Blogging, Listing, Healing, Oh my!

Did you know the word blog comes up as misspelled in spell check? It is almost as if what I am doing doesn’t exist. I am not sure what version of Office I have, and I am too lazy to look it up. I am 99% sure it is 2000, and even though I could have checked it in the time it has taken me to type this, I just refuse. It drives my husband crazy that I am a fairly intelligent person, and yet there are things about computers that I just refuse to learn or store in my memory.

So, is it possible that blogging did not exist 10 years ago? I am thinking it did not. I guess online updating does not update the spell check dictionary. Almost makes me want to e-mail Bill Gates.

A lot has changed in 20 years, yet I still have most of my issues intact. I say that but the reality is that if you had asked me 20 years ago what I wanted most in life, I have all those things now. My top five were husband, children, being close to family, house and pool. Check, check, check, check and check. So why do I still consider myself someone with issues? I think the answer to that is that the void I thought would be filled by my top five was different than what I thought it was. The emptiness and loneliness has not been dealt with.

This list also reveals that I am not a very grateful person. Did you notice health was not on that list? I have always been a reasonably healthy person. I do not struggle with constant illness or have fears of death or incapacitation. Everyday I have so much to be grateful for, but I fail to often see these things. Oddly enough, I find the “live in the moment” advice to be my greatest enemy. I know people mean this to be uplifting and to remove the worries of the future and the pressures of life, but instead it just makes me see what the moment is missing. What could I be doing better with this moment? My husband would say it is a matter of perspective. He is absolutely correct, but how does one fix that?

So what would my list of most wanted be today….1. My husband to have a job that allows him to live at home with us 2. Better time management on my part 3. More time with God daily 4. Be a better friend/relative (constancy) 5. No or minimal debt

I think I like this list better. The older list is filled with more external and material things. Now I think I am focused more on being a better person. When it was external things, I thought it was really hard because I had very little control over these things. I guess I still had control over what I put on the list. But now I realize how simple those things were compared to working on oneself. I am reminded of “Physician, heal thyself.” That is what I am trying to do, but it is so much easier said than done.

The birth of a book....

So I have often wanted to write a book. So why haven’t I? It is an excellent question whose answer reveals a lot about me. I have so many ideas and no focused passion about any of them.

I have thought of a fictional story inspired by the genealogy of my family. I love genealogy and history. It would be a female driven Michneresque novel. That sounds like a lot of work, and I get overwhelmed and defeated.

I have thought of writing a book based on the struggles and questions I have had about Christianity – an every woman’s theology. But am I qualified? Who am I to speak on such important topics?

What about a book about relationships? I have so struggled with relationships, and I know I am not alone.

Or maybe a children’s book. Here are my titles: Even Monsters Have Mothers, Dinosaurs Love Their Mothers, Too, You Can’t Eat Cookies with a Fork. That is as far as I’ve gotten. I do have an art directory – my cousin Jake. I have tried to get him to do the art before I write the book, but I guess that isn’t quite fair.

I would love to do a book about my opinions, but I guess that is just a blog in print. I have lots of opinions on everything. They drive me crazy. I have opinions on restaurants, desserts, books, soup, bread, fast food, movies, etc. I wish someone would pay me to be a reviewer, but I guess you have to have some sort of credentials.

My favorite idea is a compilation book with my friend Melisa. It could be conversational or letter driven. It would be based on the things we have struggled with, wondered about, laughed over. Unfortunately, Melisa suffers from some of the same disorders I do – thinking and doing are not always connected. Then there is the fact that she is a real writer, and I am just a housewife just dying to have something to do with my time.

The weird thing is, though, that Melisa and I both have this strong feeling inside us of greatness. We both know we have been very blessed by God, and we just know that these gifts have to have a greater purpose than just late night conversations. I read books and watch shows about people who have accomplished incredible things, and I have tried to figure out what the difference is. I think I lack passion. Is that my fault or is it that I haven’t found the proper focus for my passion? Do I lack stick-to-it-iveness? Maybe it is the brown haired, blue-eyed aliens that are climbing all over me at this very second. No, I am not hallucinating. These are my children, so I must go before something crazy happens.

Teachers know best...

When I was in formal schooling, we were often called on to journal. I hated it. It just seemed to have no purpose. What were you to write about? Why were we writing? What would become of our writing? I don’t like things without purpose. By purpose I think I mean audience. My teachers often hinted that it was therapeutic and a great creativity stimulator, but I really didn’t buy into it. Kids, trust your teachers. They really do know a thing or two.

For years now I have wanted to journal. Many people in the Christian and psychotherapy circles vouch for the huge benefits of journaling. Because my mind is often spinning, I have begun to see the purpose, but I think one of my hurdles has again been what will come of it. Of course, I can see how it would be good for me, but that hasn’t seemed to be enough of a reason (issue #721). I have many times in my life wanted to write a book about something, and I have often seen journaling as an excellent vehicle in that journey. However, how do you ever make sense of one’s ramblings? This new fangled blogging may be a solution to that. Bonus number 2 to blogging is that it feels more real. There is a chance of an audience. There is the ability to create an interactive process. There is a built-in purpose.

So my blog is mainly a journal. Is that what most blogs are? I guess I should research that. The difference is that there is built-in some accountability. People you know and love know if you aren’t following through with your blog or if you quit it. Also, what you write has to be reviewed and edited. You can’t really just ramble. Well, I guess you could, but it is much more productive if there is a thought process involved. Am I over thinking this? Probably.

And so it begins...

I finally watched the movie “Julie & Julia” and found myself inspired to do nothing about something.

“What?” say you. Well, let me explain. I consider myself an idea person. I am constantly having ideas. The “doing” is a whole other story. So, as I watched this movie about life changes, I was bombarded by ideas and inspiration. That was the something. But as usual, I probably was going to do nothing.

Enter my muse – my “special fiend” as she is often referred. (That is a story for another day.)

Compared to me, Melisa is a blogging professional. I have often read her musings and been jealous of her ability to share her ideas freely and eloquently. After discussing “Julie & Julia” and the implications, Melisa challenged me to start my own blog and go from there. What is the worst that could happen? I could quit it like other things? I could get overly consumed, and let it stress me out? Never! Well, it is a new year and maybe a new me.

It is time to do something about something. Would I love it to lead to a book deal, fame, fortune, maybe a movie staring Meg Ryan or Sandra Bullock. Sure! But the reality is it will probably just be a really nice outlet for all my thoughts that need to go somewhere.

It is driving me crazy that at this second it has no structure or theme. They shouldn’t make you name it at the start. I am hoping that will develop. I am a little controlling (I never LOL but this makes me LOL), so this factor is my first difficult hurdle. I am going to take a deep breath and a running start and jump.