My thin place

My friend Melisa just wrote a short essay for a contest inspired by a book entitled Thin Places. Melisa's words triggered in me a reflection that has been lingering more towards the front of my mind recently.

Thin places. We all have them. I really believe that most people have had a traumatic event to deal with in their lives – death of a parent, abuse, birth defect, or something. And I would wager that most of these people could pinpoint a time when there was a before and an after. These events change one’s life. I have one of those events, and it still sticks with me. I often wonder what my after would be like if what happened hadn’t happened. It has been over 20 years, yet I still have trouble talking about it in anything but vague terms. I recently started making a list of the fabulous memories in my life and the people that have made a difference. Everything on the list has been positive. That is not to say there were not also been negative aspects to them, but the positive outweighs the negative. The list is very long, and I realized just how incredibly lucky I have been. But the person and memory that may have been the biggest is not on the list, and I refuse to put it on the list. Am I giving it too much power? Did it really change me the way I think it did, or would I have ended up in the same place anyway? I have often wondered if in some way it was a blessing. Maybe something worse would have happened if that hadn’t. Maybe I am more sympathetic for having gone through my own thin place. I wish I could say it has made me stronger, but I don’t think that. My life was by no means perfect before. I was dissatisfied with things and had unhappy moments, but I believed and trusted and I stood for something. All that changed, and I don’t think I have gotten it back. One positive is that I know I have an emptiness inside me that isn’t right, and this hollowness has often led me to look to God for answers. I am one of those horrible people who doesn’t pray as often or think of God as often when things are good and happy. When I am struggling and suffering, I do seek him. Maybe not as fast as I should, but he has always been the ultimate answer. My friend ended her essay referencing Isaiah 41:10, and I am grateful she did. God can and does speak to us through people. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” I am not afraid, but I am weak. Please uphold me, Lord.