Trust issues...

Trust. I know there is a God. I love God. I believe not only in God but in all the things God has done. And having said all this, I do not trust God. Or rather, I find it hard to trust in God. This may sound harsh, but the reality is that I know God is trustworthy, but I also know I am not worthy of his trust. Grace, you say? So true, but… How often have I heard “Lay it at the foot of the cross” or “Give it to God.” These saying have always irked me a little. They just seem trite. Recently, though, I have found them on the tip of my tongue. I have two small children. They go to a local Christian school. It is a wonderful little school, and I am grateful to be a part of it. However, there are things that I would like to improve, so I got involved. I am not sure why (fear of change, feelings of criticism and attack, just disagreement of the ideas), but most of the ideas I have presented have ended in battles. A few of these battles have turned ugly. I knew having children would be hard. They must be fed and medicated and trained and protected, but I failed to realize that education would also be a battle. I have been a teacher, and maybe this is why I not only know its importance but can see the incredible possibilities out there for this school. I not only want it for my children but for all the others children whose families have chosen to sacrifice to send them there. I have battled before, but as I look back, it has always been in an area where I had some control. If I didn’t like being single, I could change my clothes, put on make-up, go to different singles locations. If I didn’t like my job, I could quit or get an education to move to a different position. If I didn’t like where I lived, I could move. And all these things I did, and during all these things, I was told to trust God more. I know I should have trusted God more because he worked all these things out for the best, and I can see his handprints all over these times in my life. But this battle is different. I have no control. I have very little influence. I could quit and leave, but would it be out of spite or pride? Right now I think so. As I sit here typing these words, I do so because I want to put some permanence to what I am feeling at this second. I need, no I must give this to God. He is the only solution here. He will provide me with an answer and a solution. He always has. But even more than that, he is the only one who can move a mountain if that is what is called for. He has hardened hearts, and he can soften them. He can inspire and breakdown walls. I close my eyes, and I picture my ideas and hopes for the school. I take a deep breath, a few steps forward, and I lay these things at the foot of the cross because that is where they belong.